Part One in this series on the marriage is actually for women to read. It is from the male perspective. Keep it in mind that this article is written for the masses, and speaks in generalizations. It may not be true for you and your marriage. But allow the Holy Spirit to lead you into truth and understanding. For if it be found that there is even a hint of truth in this article about you and your personality, then you must wear that shoe. If it is absolutely not true about you; then don’t get smug. Get humble, and help other women around you. There are so many hurting marriages. We Christians need to all minister to one another and bear one another’s burdens.
Finally, don’t ask your husband if this is true about you. Guys don’t answer those kind of questions. They don’t want to get into trouble. He may even refrain from being totally honest with you. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, or get you mad at him. So, read it and pray and identify any areas you may need to work on. The purpose of this article is to not make you feel bad, but to open your heart and mind on ways to improve your marriage. That is the goal. A better marriage. One that pleases God and gives honor to His plan for man and woman in the holy state of matrimony.
There are two chief areas that most women struggle with and should avoid. These are nagging and controlling. They can be relationship killers. They must be avoided.
1) Nagging. I already hear the deafening roar of women across the land. “ I wouldn’t have to nag if he would just listen”. I’ll work on him in another article. Please stop being so quick to blame others for areas in your life where you could improve with God’s help. You may not even be aware that you are nagging. You think you are just being helpful. You see an obvious problem, and it is so easy to correct. Or you have a need, and all he needs to do is help you. The problem is how you present it to him. Read Proverbs 21:9,19. Proverbs 19:13.
Which came first the chicken or the egg? Which came first? The fact that he won’t listen to you, so you must nag to be heard; or the fact that he has learned to tune you out and not listen because you nag so much? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that your marriage has a communication breakdown. That is what you must focus on. Nagging doesn’t work. God made us men. He knows how we operate. This is why the Bible tells women to not nag. When you nag, you are going to drive him further away. He will get very frustrated with this. He doesn’t really want to hurt you, so he ignores you for protection and self-preservation. The more you nag, the more you drive your husband away from you. I Peter 3 tells you to win him over “without a word” but instead with a gentle spirit.
Find different means of communicating besides the constant verbal reminders. Never remind him of what he needs to do in front of others. This is embarrassing to a man, and he resents you for bringing up things like this in front of others, even family members. Don’t use words that make him feel inadequate or falling short in some category. You are attacking his ego now. Don’t emasculate your husband. If you go on and on and on about something; like Sampson, he may finally cave in after his spirit is vexed; but he resents you for it and you have cut away at his masculinity. Again, it doesn’t matter if you think you have done this or not, what matters is how he perceives it. He will perceive that he has caved in under constant pressure from you, and some of his identity as a man has been clipped.
Leave helpful reminders. Set clear expectations and boundaries. Establish better communication skills between you two. Let him know how you really feel, and how you really need something done. Then, drop it. Give him space to do it in. If he continues to ignore what has been requested within a reasonable time frame, then there may be deeper marital problems than nagging and poor communication. You may need to seek outside biblical counseling.
2) Controlling. You just want your family/marriage to be good. It is obvious to you what needs to be done, and you are going to insist that it be done your way. This is a disaster in a marriage. I am not saying that it isn’t just as wrong for men to be controlling, but generally speaking, more women have problems with this than men. You cannot control other people. The quicker you learn this, the happier you will be. You can control your response to others. You can role-model the behavior you would like to see. You can communicate needs and desires. But the more you pull on a chain around a man’s neck, the harder he is going to dig in and jerk the other way. You can’t control men. You can’t nag them into deeper spirituality. You can’t control them to be the head of the home. Pray and let God change him. It is your job to love your husband. It is God’s job to change him.