Family Ark Ministries

A better title might be “ Living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” Wow, are these crazy times for parenting. What you are parenting right now is a human being that is exploding in growth, both physically and emotionally. Some days they can be the sweetest things on earth, and in a heartbeat they can become hateful and explode in an anger outburst. So take a deep breath. What you are experiencing is the norm for kids this age. You are not a bad parent. They are not bad kids. This is just a tumultuous time for the human being.
If you have a daughter, then for two to three years, the mother will be to blame for everything. Even if someone else made her mad, somehow the mom gets the brunt of the hostility. She is turned against mom right now, but in a few years she will come to see mom as her identity. So, don’t give up. And dad’s really don’t understand hormonal teenage girls. We never experienced what they are going through and it is baffling to say the least. I know when my daughter was this age, I went to Wal-mart and bought an estrogen salt lick and put that in her room. I said, “ Every time you start feeling emotional, lick that thing because I can’t handle your outburst.” It is almost like invasion of the body snatchers. Someone has overtaken your daughter and she is no longer human. She will return to normalcy in about 24 months.
Your sons at this age will be a contradiction in totality. They seem to be understanding life pretty well, and then they just flip out. One day you think they are maturing, and the next day they act like a living brain donor. They will really want to start being independent of the parents now. If the son and mom had a close relationship, then he will start pulling away a little. He still may like to do things with dad like hunt and fish, but there is constant head-butting. It is like having two mountain goats with big horns butting up against each other all the time.
Whether you have a boy or a girl, this is generally the worst 24 months of human existence. You are not a little child anymore. You are far from being an adult. You are barely an adolescent. Your body is changing all the time with the hormones and puberty. A kid this age doesn’t understand what is happening. Emotionally, they are learning how to relate to others. They can get in fights and arguments. They may say things that are real inappropriate to others. When they see the response to those comments, they are learning. While you the parent may be shocked and embarrassed, don’t over react. People have to learn how to respond to the world around them, and that is what they are learning to do at this age. They can be so serious one minute and then resort to acting like a two year old in the next moment.
Still show affection to them. They are scared whether they admit it or not. They may act like they don’t want any affection from you. They probably don’t out in public. Those days are gone. However, at home, you need to still give them lots of hugs and pats on the back. You must discipline them, but don’t make every moment of every day a constant negative. These kids are afraid they are going to fail in life. They aren’t, but they think they are because they don’t understand themselves. If you have a new adolescent who is driving you crazy, then you need to spend some individual time with them. If you have smaller kids, you will have to find some time each week to just be alone with the 12-14 year old. They need individual time with you. Playing a game or doing something where you pay attention to them for 30 minutes a night will drastically help them calm down.
You can’t treat them like a 4 year old anymore, even when they act like one. You must discipline them. But you have to understand that a lot of what they are doing, they don’t mean to do it in the wrong way. They are just making a lot of mistakes right now. They are just starting out into this new adolescent phase. Help them. Teach them. You can ground them, remove privileges etc… The whippings should start to go away during this age. However, if they are just asking for a whipping, never disappoint them. But removing cell phones, grounded away from friends, can be much more effective at this age. It is always good to share things about yourself at this age. Let them know they are not weird. At night when you go into their bedside, this becomes a great time to talk to them. You might say something like, “ You know when I was your age, I felt this way…” Or ”One time when I was in middle school my friend hurt me and this is what I did…” You don’t always have to tell them what they should do, but rather tell them what worked for you. They won’t let you know, but they are listening and learning. Give very clear expectations for them. Don’t assume they know something is right or wrong. You have to be a surrogate brain for them. They don’t think rationally or clearly with all those hormones right now. Set down guidelines for friends, face book talk, music etc… They don’t like who they are right now, or who they are becoming. This is a great time to teach them that God loves them no matter what. Getting this teen to understand the love of Christ might help them avoid some of the deeper pitfalls that wait ahead. God bless you.