Violence towards others. Teen pregnancy. Gang activity. Alcohol and drug abuse. So many sad ways for young people to have their lives ruined, altered or ended. And many of these societal problems can be traced to a common root cause. Absent fathers. Please note that I didn’t say always. I didn’t even say most of the time. However, there is statistical evidence that shows a large number of these problems occur with kids that do not have a father in their life.
Just because the father is actually living in the home does not mean that kids are exempt from this phenomena. There can be a dad present in the home, but he is not there for his children emotionally, mentally or spiritually. Physically he is present, and that is about it.
Countless numbers of other homes actually have the dad gone out of the home. Children need both parents in a home to learn certain and specific things about life. That is why God in His wisdom, established the family as a husband and wife teaching their children the ways of the Lord. This is not to say that there are not also far-reaching problems when the mom is out of the child’s life. But I am focusing on absent fathers.
The female child learns how to respond to men from her father. The female is looking for love, acceptance and affection from the male. Her father is suppose to show her all of these things so that she will become an adult and seek these qualities out in a mate. However, girls that do not receive this affection from their dad, will still desire this internally. They will become teen girls and start looking outside the home for what they cannot find inside the home. They will turn to peer boys to meet their unmet need for affection, attention and love. These boys are all too willing to prey upon a needy girl. They won’t give them affection, but something else. These girls are often abused by boyfriends. This changes their life. And more than 90% of all teen girls who get pregnant, report that they did not have a close, loving relationship with their father.
Promiscuity, pregnancy, abuse and low self-esteem are common problems with girls that are raised in an absent father home.
Boys also suffer. Boys get their identity from their father on how to be male. If they don’t see a role model in their father, then they will begin to look around out in the world for their unmet needs, just like girls do. So the boy becomes a teenager, and wants to learn how to be a man. He doesn’t get anything from his dad, so he looks at society. If he looks at today’s contemporary music, movies and athletes, then he will get a perverted picture of manhood. He will get an unholy view of manhood. Men today in society-at-large are violent, non-family oriented, loners, and use women only as sex objects for their own pleasure. This is how many of these boys will live out their life.
And particularly hard hit are these male children. They must bond with other males. If they can’t bond with a father figure, then they will look outside the home for this bonding. And there are always the jaws of a peer group ready to devour young men like this. In a study done several years ago by an Arkansas police department, 95% of all boys involved in gangs had no father in the home. But the most insipid problem with these boys is alcohol. They want to be accepted as a male. Society paints a rosy picture of manhood as drinking. In all the TV commercials and sports venues, drinking is a man thing. So, in order to achieve what they perceive as manhood, they will find a peer group of other boys who are cut off and disillusioned, and drink to end their pain. They self-medicate with alcohol. I don’t like the hole I have in my heart. I have a lot of rejection and abandonment issues in my life. Alcohol helps me forget these temporarily. The trouble is they have to keep doing this because the numbing of the pain is only as long as the alcohol last. Now we have a problem drinker. And many of these rejection issues are coming from a father who overtly or covertly ignored and rejected his son. The father may not see it as that. The father may be in the home. But because of his lack of involvement in his son’s life; the son sees it as rejection whether the father does or not.
This is why it is important for single moms to get their kids exposed to a positive Christian male role model. Hopefully a relative. If there are none, then speak with your pastor or youth minister about help finding a mentor. In today’s time, you will always have to be careful about a mentor because there are so many molesters out there. Pray. God can send one to your son. A mom cannot teach everything a girl or guy needs that can only be taught from the male. Expose them to positive male role models in some way. And dads, you must never underestimate the life changing impact you have on your kids. All their friends, other people that love them, can never have the impact that you will. For good or bad, their mom and you will impact them more than any other person on the face of this earth. Rich dads invest in their kid’s life. Re-connect with your kids before it is too late. Dads, you are to bring them up in the ways of the Lord. You are charged with this responsibility by God. Read Ephesians 6:4. Now hug your kids and get busy. By the way, boys need affection from their dads also. Hug your sons.
March 30, 2010
Absent Father Syndrome
Parenting Advice: Duct Tape & Medicate
Sometimes I start out in a parenting conference with this simple advice. When it comes to parenting your children today, you will need two things on hand. Duct tape and medication. This is the quickest way to handle out of control behavior. Give them something that will calm them down, and tape anything that moves. I have gone into churches where the kids are all so out-of-control, I just wished the pastor could be like a priest. But instead of everyone lining up and taking a piece of bread from a priest who places it in their mouth, maybe the pastor could line the kids up and start placing a Ritalin or Valium in their mouth. (Even though people should know I am kidding, I am surprised how many don’t. So, I will tell you that all of this first paragraph- I’m just kidding!!)
The real answer to out of control kids lies with parents learning how to take responsibility as the loving authority in their child’s life. The “ buddy system” doesn’t work. You cannot be your child’s best buddy or friend. They need someone who is in authority and sets down the rules of behavior and conduct. When the child is put in the driver’s seat of the home, that home is headed for a crash. Children are more secure and comforted when they can operate within the boundaries of a home where clear guidelines for expected behavior exist. Children do not have to guess what is expected of them. They know. They do not have to be like monkeys in the wild and see what behavior they can possibly get away with. They know their limits. They know their parents love them and have set these limits for their benefit. Even if they don’t understand all the rules, they obey because they know their parents love them, and they know their parents are their authority. Proverbs 19:18 “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.”
A major part of the problem in some homes is too much freedom and too much permission. Children are allowed way too much freedom without any requirement of responsible behavior or productive work. Too much permission is allowing the child to do whatever they want. They are allowed to do things that they do not have the reasoned intellect, or emotional capacity to perform at their age. Parents are suppose to teach, and serve as a surrogate brain for their child until the child is mature as an adult to handle these challenges on their own. Yes, children need to lean and experiment. But that must be done within the context of safety, sanity and socialized acceptability.
The parents find it easier to just ignore their child’s misbehavior. Some of these parents might be lazy and don’t want to take the hard work and responsibility involved in productive parenting. Still others are simply self-centered, and are too tired to put forth the effort. “ I am tired. I have worked all day. I am going to sit down and relax”. The parents want to do what they want to do, and the kids want to do what they want to do. So, as a result, we have a home where there is no order. Just chaos and confusion. Everyone in the home lives by the motto, “ I will do what I want to do”.
The home becomes very dysfunctional. It ceases to be a place that produces love and future socialized, well-adjusted individuals to a three-ring circus where there is no circus-master and all the animals are allowed to run with abandon. Children do not grow in this home. They just survive. They create adaptive behaviors to just survive.
Parents must restore order to the home. As ordained by God, the parents are to be over the children. The parents are to teach their children about life. Life’s lessons include how to live together with others. They teach them how to work. Productive members of society all work at something. Leisure and pleasure only come as a reward for responsible work achieved. Parents are to actively teach their children about their faith. They should never rely on other institutions to instill a deep and abiding faith in their children. This can only come by an active and on-going home where the tenets of faith are taught and lived out. Devotions, prayer time, bible study, singing praises, monthly ministry work outside the home, giving to others etc…are all demonstrated by everyone in the home. A legacy is lived out, not just given lip service. Parents must always remember that if they desire for their children to be hard-working, responsible, loving, God-honoring, Christ-following individuals; then they must be shown every step of the way. Parents can not pass on what they do not possess themselves.
Some simple ways to begin to restore order in the home are to set down clear rules of expected behavior. No talking back, no whining, obedience when asked to do something etc…These rules are clearly communicated to the children. The parents show the kids one time how to do such things as chores, and then expect them to be done. Failure to honor or obey is met with discipline. No privileges until work is done. This is where most drop the ball. You must be filled with resolve. Start praying and reading the Bible in your home at night. This will make a dramatic difference in the “peace factor” in your home. And finally, all the discipline in the world cannot be received rightly, unless unconditional love flourishes in the home. Love means you have to spend time with them eating meals together, praying together, playing together. You are not spending quality time with your kids to run them to ball games and lessons, while you sit and watch. You have to interact with them. Don’t get discouraged. You don’t have to do it all in one night. Just start tonight. Slowly. Gradual and steady improvement is your goal.
March 16, 2010
Four Types of People
Sometimes, adults have issues in their life that were actually created back when they were growing up at home. In a dysfunctional home there are four major behaviors that the children live out in order to survive and cope in this family. These behaviors are often times carried on throughout the lifetime of these people. In a dysfunctional home, everyone is just trying to survive and be heard. Kids create certain adaptive behaviors in order to exist in this home. What if there are not four kids in a home? Kids can take on more than one of these behavior types. You might, for example, be a mix of two. Are there more than four types? Yes. But these are the major four types. This encompasses most people. What if I didn’t grow up in a dysfunctional home? You may not have any of these personalities. However, even in the best of homes, there are periods of time when the family is not functioning well and people learn how to cope with the situation.
What I want people to learn from this is to recognize that these are not healthy skills in relationships. We have to become aware of our growth opportunities as people, and ask God to help us grow to a healthier and holier concept of who we are in Christ. No one is perfect so don’t get upset if I describe you. We have to recognize our areas in our life where we need to grow stronger. We have to reject the lies we have been taught about who we are, that were given to us from other people. The bible tells us who we are in Christ. I have to replace these lies with the truth found in the Word of God. That is the only truth that should define us. Then, I have to start living out these new truths. Philippians 4:9 encourages us to LEARN- RECEIVE- DO!
1) The Hero Child- This child chooses to cope by trying to be perfect. The child thinks that if they can be perfect, then the family will be perfect. In other words, things will go better for them if they perform well. Sadly, in many of these homes, it doesn’t matter how well you do; you will never be able to receive the acceptance you so desperately want from one parent or the other. This child will be driven. They will excel at everything they do. They will make excellent grades. They will be great at sports or any endeavor they attempt. While it is good to strive and do the best you can, these kids go too far. Their whole sense of self-worth is wrapped up into performance. The better I perform, the more people will like me. They become obsessed with being a perfectionist. They become workaholics in all areas of life to try and prove how good they are for acceptance by others.
2) The Loner Child – This child learns to cope by holding it all in. They tend to be more depressed about life in general. They blame themselves for the unhappiness they see at home. If the parents argue, it upsets them. They think if I could just be a better kid, this wouldn’t happen. They hold in their anger, their fear and their depression. They go to their rooms and shut the bedroom door during an argument because it bothers them so much. They become conflict avoiders and hate arguments. Their self-worth is wrapped up in trying to gain acceptance by others through being quiet and not stirring up trouble.
3) The Clown Child – This child learns to cope by trying to be funny all the time. The child thinks if they can get everyone to laugh, then we can be from a happy home. They hate all the sadness they see in their home life. They try to make things better with humor. This acting out behavior is evident in all social situations; at church, school and work. At least their parents notice them when they make them laugh. It is striving to be noticed in this family and gain some acceptance by getting you to notice how crazy and silly I am. These kids often times grow up and become codependent personalities. They are people pleasers. They will say or do whatever it takes to have other people like them.
4) The Scapegoat Child – This child is the rebellious one. They see the misery in the home and rebel against it. Even in a dysfunctional Christian home, they will see the hypocrisy of what their parents say they believe versus how they live at home. If there is an alcoholic parent ( or something like that) this kid hates what they see in this parent. Yet, sadly, this is the kid who grows up to be just like the parent they hate. This is the child that may hate an alcoholic parent’s behavior, but ends up becoming an alcoholic themselves. They give up on trying to get acceptance. They find a peer group who accepts them and throws away a lot of potential because of this need.
Acceptance is an incredible thing. All humans need and want this. Yet, the only way to get true total acceptance is from God. He will always love and accept you no matter how much you mess up once you are found in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:37-39. We need to reject these adaptive behaviors and learn to live out our lives according to the truth of who we are found in God’s Word. It’s a long healing process and a journey towards wholeness. But we can all grow better through the power of God.
March 3, 2010
I Expected That You Could
Did you ever expect someone to do something, and then they didn’t. It’s a sure fire way to make you depressed, or angry, or frustrated or exasperated. It almost always makes you disappointed in this other person. You had an expectation, and they didn’t meet it. The problem is not that they didn’t meet your expectations. The problem is that you had the expectations in the first place. People are going to fail meeting all your expectations. Only God can meet all of our expectations.
Sometimes, young people expect that their future spouse will meet some expectation that they hold. This expectation may be unrealistic. Or, it may be realistic, but it is your expectation and not your spouses. You have put this on them with the only result going to be disappointment. We must all be careful to not put our expectations of what we think others should do. As an example, a young man may think that when he gets married that his wife will cook for him. Some wives do. Some don’t. But you are putting something on her that may not belong to her personality. Maybe a young lady thinks her husband will be able to do all the car repairs. That can be a misguided expectation because not all men know how to work on cars, nor do they want to. The more of these you put on someone, the more disappointed you will be with them.
Then, there are those expectations that should never be placed on anyone. If you get married and expect that your spouse will bring you happiness, and you will never be lonely again: boy are you going to be rudely awakened. That is impossible. Happiness comes and goes in a relationship. Some days we are happy, and some days we are not. A spouse can’t make you that anyway. Happiness comes from knowing and serving the Lord. He may use your spouse to meet some of those needs, but He alone is the sole source of joy, happiness and completeness. Some of the most lonely people in the world are married people who have grown distant and apathetic towards their spouse. It is really unfair to even put this “happiness” expectation on another person.
The only purpose of marriage is to glorify God. The purpose of marriage is not for self-fulfillment and happiness. Those are by-products of a marriage where each person is living for the Lord and giving themselves to the other. God is our source of self-fulfillment. God should be our source of joy and happiness. Putting these expectations on other people will only make you sad. The more expectations you place on another person, the sadder you will become.
How about with our children? How about with grandchildren? My children make me happy. My new little granddaughter brings such joy to my life. There is no denying that. However, I count these as blessings from God. My total joy is met in Christ alone. The joy I feel for my granddaughter is overflow. My cup overfloweth. But it would be wrong for me to put all of my need for joy and happiness on my granddaughter. She can’t be perfect. She will do things wrong in the future. She won’t be happy every day. And if she pitches a fit in Wal-Mart some day, I may not be happy with her at that moment. But you see, I don’t require that of her. Jesus meets all my emotional needs. He can use my family to help show me His love and joy. And if there are days that I am not happy with my spouse, or children or grandchildren, then that is just a temporary event. But I still have my total source of fulfillment in life. I can never lose Jesus. I can never lose the love and acceptance that God has for me through Jesus Christ. This type of love is found in Romans 8:38,39. Again in I Corinthians 13:7. His total acceptance of me is Hebrews 13:5.
I see many parents disappointed in their kids. And sadly, the kids know this. The parents have put up some ideal they got from society of what a great kid would look like; and then put that on their child. But God makes every kid unique. Not every child will go to college. They don’t have to go to college to still be a great success in life for God. But you browbeat them into this expectation, and when it doesn’t work out, you are disappointed in them. And they get low self-esteem and shame because they feel they have let you down. Don’t put that burden on your kids. You can encourage them. You can help guide them. But don’t put all these expectations on them for your own low self-esteem or bragging rights to the family. They don’t have to make the honor roll to be a good kid. They don’t have to go to college to be wise. They don’t have to make tons of money to be successful in God’s eyes. Only yours. Be content with how God has made your child and treasure them for who they are as God made them.
Finally, quit beating yourself up and putting expectations on yourself. Do the best you can. Develop as God has gifted you. And don’t put American standards of success and happiness on yourself. We all need to be whom God made us without any other people putting their expectations on us. Amen?