What happened? Just a few months ago, your baby was a sweet little thing that you held close to you all the time. Now they have grown into a powerhouse of exploding emotions and energy. And they don’t want to always be held by you. They want to kick and get down away from you. Then, as soon as you let them down, they want you to pick them up again. What gives? Let me assure you that you are not crazy. You are not a bad parent. You are a typical parent experiencing one of the most difficult times in human development. The toddler years.
You have to discipline your child a great deal of the time. However, you must keep in the back of your mind that not all of their behavior has to be disciplined. For the first time ever in their young life, they have the ability to independently discover the world on their own. They have a limitless supply of energy and the physical ability to explore. And the whole world is new. Every day is a novelty. Help them explore the novelty of the world around them. This is how they grow. It might also be a time where you re-connect with the simple and beautiful things of life that you have just taken for granted. See life afresh through the eyes of your toddler. Let them touch, smell and taste. Some things can be learned not to touch in the home. Don’t completely childproof your home. They can be told no to some things. But also make your home kid friendly. Have things that they can pick up, touch and squeeze. These are the years that the glass vases and crystal nic nacs are put up. Don’t expect other homes to do the same. Be flexible. Some things we can touch, other things are a “no”.
You can distract them. One of the easiest methods to keep them out of trouble, is to pick them up and remove them from the trouble spot. Get their attention on something else. This can work some of the time. There will be other times where they are obsessed with doing something they are not suppose to do. This is where the heartbreaking part of parenting comes in. You have to spank them. Proverbs 13:24 states that if you don’t whip your kid, then you hate them. You are not showing love to your child to let them go wild with no boundaries or discipline. You will have hurt them their whole life because no one will be able to stand them, and they won’t do well out in society. Proverbs 19:18 goes on to say that you should spank your kids and don’t worry about their crying. Spank them while there is still hope, which means while they are still young. Finally, Proverbs 23:13,14 tells parents to whip their kids and deliver their soul from hell. Discipline is a major underpinning of parenting. God has blessed you with this child, and you are to be a good steward of the gifts God gives you.
Your toddler wants to do everything, and they are still not physically able to do it all. This causes them to be filled with frustration. And we all know what happens when we get frustrated. We get mad. They are going to pitch some fits. That is normal. But you have to be sure and not pitch one with them. Your toddler is not doing this to just make you have a bad day. They are not capable of that at this age. They are frustrated because they can’t do something, and one of the few emotions they have mastered is anger. Help them learn how to deal with anger. We talk to them in a calm voice. We may have to get down to eye level with them. We may also need to pay more attention to them. I know you think you are constantly giving them attention. However, there is a need for direct eye contact with your toddler. When they pitch a tantrum, they are often times doing it for attention. Granted it is negative attention, but nonetheless, you are finally paying them some attention. You watching TV while they are in the room with you, is not undivided attention. Eye contact and touch are critical for them. When they are having one of those bad days, it may save you putting out a lot of fires to just stop. Stop what you are doing. Get something out you can both interact with, and spend some one on one time.
Sometimes “out of control” behavior can come from eating or sleeping habits. All kids function better with structure in their life. Trying to have them go to bed at the same time every night is important. Having them get enough sleep is critical. A child who is fussy all the time may not be getting enough sleep. Don’t allow your children to sleep with you. This is not good for all concerned. They need about 12 hours of sleep. Behavior problems can also occur from food allergies. Stay on top of this and if you suspect it; take them to the pediatrician or a specialist. Redness of the ears and face and behavior problems after eating are a couple of the signs.
You may need to be getting more sleep yourself. You may need to eat better also. If you would eat some healthy food, and go on walks with your toddler, you would be less stressed. If it is a two-parent household, then each parent needs to give some time off to the other parent to relax. Even stay-at-home moms need some time off. This is a fun time because for the first time, you can start teaching your children about your faith. Two year olds are very capable of praying and quoting scripture. I see it every week in churches. You have to spend time though teaching them how to pray. Bowing their heads, talking about Jesus etc… Just remember, it is your job to teach them how to handle their emotions. They don’t know. It is their job to learn, and your job to teach. If you don’t know how, read a book or ask your parents. For example: it is okay to be angry, but we don’t throw things or hit things. We talk about it. We walk. We don’t hit. This will be repeated hundreds of times in the next few years. Don’t give up. God is on your side. God wants you to be successful. God wants your child to be successful. Bottom line: Love them deeply while you have them. It is frustrating some days, but you only have them for such a short time. Play hard. Pray hard. Love deeply. God bless you.
January 25, 2010
Parenting a Toddler
Parenting a 12 to 14 Year Old
A better title might be “ Living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” Wow, are these crazy times for parenting. What you are parenting right now is a human being that is exploding in growth, both physically and emotionally. Some days they can be the sweetest things on earth, and in a heartbeat they can become hateful and explode in an anger outburst. So take a deep breath. What you are experiencing is the norm for kids this age. You are not a bad parent. They are not bad kids. This is just a tumultuous time for the human being.
If you have a daughter, then for two to three years, the mother will be to blame for everything. Even if someone else made her mad, somehow the mom gets the brunt of the hostility. She is turned against mom right now, but in a few years she will come to see mom as her identity. So, don’t give up. And dad’s really don’t understand hormonal teenage girls. We never experienced what they are going through and it is baffling to say the least. I know when my daughter was this age, I went to Wal-mart and bought an estrogen salt lick and put that in her room. I said, “ Every time you start feeling emotional, lick that thing because I can’t handle your outburst.” It is almost like invasion of the body snatchers. Someone has overtaken your daughter and she is no longer human. She will return to normalcy in about 24 months.
Your sons at this age will be a contradiction in totality. They seem to be understanding life pretty well, and then they just flip out. One day you think they are maturing, and the next day they act like a living brain donor. They will really want to start being independent of the parents now. If the son and mom had a close relationship, then he will start pulling away a little. He still may like to do things with dad like hunt and fish, but there is constant head-butting. It is like having two mountain goats with big horns butting up against each other all the time.
Whether you have a boy or a girl, this is generally the worst 24 months of human existence. You are not a little child anymore. You are far from being an adult. You are barely an adolescent. Your body is changing all the time with the hormones and puberty. A kid this age doesn’t understand what is happening. Emotionally, they are learning how to relate to others. They can get in fights and arguments. They may say things that are real inappropriate to others. When they see the response to those comments, they are learning. While you the parent may be shocked and embarrassed, don’t over react. People have to learn how to respond to the world around them, and that is what they are learning to do at this age. They can be so serious one minute and then resort to acting like a two year old in the next moment.
Still show affection to them. They are scared whether they admit it or not. They may act like they don’t want any affection from you. They probably don’t out in public. Those days are gone. However, at home, you need to still give them lots of hugs and pats on the back. You must discipline them, but don’t make every moment of every day a constant negative. These kids are afraid they are going to fail in life. They aren’t, but they think they are because they don’t understand themselves. If you have a new adolescent who is driving you crazy, then you need to spend some individual time with them. If you have smaller kids, you will have to find some time each week to just be alone with the 12-14 year old. They need individual time with you. Playing a game or doing something where you pay attention to them for 30 minutes a night will drastically help them calm down.
You can’t treat them like a 4 year old anymore, even when they act like one. You must discipline them. But you have to understand that a lot of what they are doing, they don’t mean to do it in the wrong way. They are just making a lot of mistakes right now. They are just starting out into this new adolescent phase. Help them. Teach them. You can ground them, remove privileges etc… The whippings should start to go away during this age. However, if they are just asking for a whipping, never disappoint them. But removing cell phones, grounded away from friends, can be much more effective at this age. It is always good to share things about yourself at this age. Let them know they are not weird. At night when you go into their bedside, this becomes a great time to talk to them. You might say something like, “ You know when I was your age, I felt this way…” Or ”One time when I was in middle school my friend hurt me and this is what I did…” You don’t always have to tell them what they should do, but rather tell them what worked for you. They won’t let you know, but they are listening and learning. Give very clear expectations for them. Don’t assume they know something is right or wrong. You have to be a surrogate brain for them. They don’t think rationally or clearly with all those hormones right now. Set down guidelines for friends, face book talk, music etc… They don’t like who they are right now, or who they are becoming. This is a great time to teach them that God loves them no matter what. Getting this teen to understand the love of Christ might help them avoid some of the deeper pitfalls that wait ahead. God bless you.
The Sun Pops and the Moon Crawls
Psalm 145: 5,9,16. “ I will speak of the glorious honor of thy majesty, and of thy wondrous works. The Lord is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works. Thou openest thine hand, and satisfies the desire of every living thing.”
Sometimes I think it is necessary for us to stop and reflect on the grandeur of God. We need to get a fresh perspective by looking at what is clearly before our eyes that God Himself has given to bless us. So, I want to share what I saw yesterday of God’s grandeur from my own front porch. The sun pops. The dawn comes with a vast array of oranges, yellows and reds. Then, as if the sun had arms and hands, it seems as though it grabs a hold of Iron Mountain to the East, and just pops up over the top of the ridge, splashing color everywhere. And on God’s perfectly timed cue, the birds start their day. The giant hawks are circling in the sky and perching in the trees. The golden eagles stand as blackened sentinels in the top of the hickory tree. The roadrunner like many of us, darts across the field obviously in a big hurry, while the mountain blue birds float across the morning sky. The black ravens make their morning caws. ( Psalm 147:9 He giveth to the beast his food, and to the young ravens which cry.) And not one of these birds will fall, that God does not know about. God will prepare them for the day with the food that each bird needs.
By now the sun is up high enough in the sky to start the daily shimmer. The daily shimmer is what I call it. That is when the ground looks like someone has dumped millions of diamonds out of any airplane onto the snow below. The sun is reflecting off of each piece of frost which has fallen during the night upon the glistening white fields of snow. ( Psalm147:16 – He giveth snow like wool: he scattereth the hoarfrost like ashes..)
The sun with it’s strength invariably melts some of the snow only to spin another beautiful scene, as 3 and 4 foot icicles hang from the limestone bluffs along the road.
(Psalm 147:17 He casteth forth his ice like morsels: who can stand before his cold?)
The day progresses. I haven’t seen very many deer or turkey walking around. They must stay down in the valley when it is so very cold. The bobcats are gone and the bears are hibernating. My face stings in the morning air of one degree above zero. How do those animals stand it all night out there in the woods? I smile as I realize that the One who made them takes care of them, and has perfectly furnished them. (Psalm 148:5 Let them praise the name of the Lord: he commanded and they were created.)
Now comes another display of brilliance, as we transition from day to night. The sun goes where the Lord tells it to go. It falls behind the four hills in the West, leaving a rainbow of red in the sky. I can sit in the porch swing and watch the evening shade creep up each step. At the top step, evening arrives and God pins another day closed with the evening star. Then, out of nowhere – there it is! The giant moon creeping up the side of the valley hillside. While the sun pops, the moon crawls. It has stayed hidden until God tells it to ascend. Right on cue, the giant white orb places its hands on the ridgeline and pulls itself up slowly over the treetops. The 8 point buck and does stand silhouetted against it’s glow. Just when you can’t thank God enough for His beauty that He created, the night sky illuminates with billions of stars. Each star must hang in place right where God placed it. It is not allowed to move unless he tells it too. There can be no falling stars without God’s command. And when he does arrange one to streak across the sky; He gets the star’s attention by calling it by name. (Psalm 147:4 He telleth the number of the stars; he calleth them all by their names.)
“Sing unto the Lord with thanksgiving; sing praise upon the harp unto our God. Who covereth the heaven with clouds, who prepareth rain for the earth, who maketh grass to grow upon the mountains. Fire, and hail: snow and vapors; stormy wind fulfilling his word: Mountains, and all hills, fruitful trees and all cedars: beasts, and all cattle, creeping things and flying fowl, kings of the earth and all people. Let them praise the name of the Lord for his name alone is excellent, his glory is above the earth and heaven. He hath also established them for ever and ever: he hath made a decree which shall not pass.”
Psalm 147:7,8 148:6,8-11,13. This is why I smile at the ignorance of some people who believe in evolution and a great explosion. Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools. (Romans 1:22) How can anyone who has the least amount of reason and intellect believe that, all that I witness on my front porch, was formed from an exploding cloud of dust? It is clear. Even His creations speaks of His existence! Romans 1:20 !
January 5, 2010
PARENTS v. GRANDPARENTS
Surely it won’t hurt the little one to not take a nap today at the grandparents house. After all, it is the holidays. Maybe a parent might make a request like this: “ Come on mom, please stop giving Bud and Budette cookies before dinner. We don’t even allow them to have chocolate at this age.” Grandma might be heard to respond with: “ Oh snicker doodle! We gave y’all bowls of chocolate when you were younger than them, and you turned out okay.”
Parents suddenly realize that their own parents were not so stupid when they have their own kids. But parents also will have the right to raise their children in the way they think is best. This sometimes will come into conflict with the way the grandparents raised their own kids, and how they think their grandchild should be raised. Everyone involved has to show humbleness, mercy and love to get through these moments in the clash of the generations. Be sensitive to each other’s desires. Never forget, we all want the best for the children/grandchildren.
Let’s don’t ruin family get-togethers with a boxing match. Can you imagine family fight night. The bell sounds. Ding! Tonight’s match is between the new upcoming parents versus the defending champion grandparents. Over in this corner, weighing in at 300 pounds together, wearing the latest faddish shorts and tops that match, looking high strung and wrung out are the parents. And over in this corner weighing in at a rough estimate of 400 pounds in the droopy drawers, the stained tops with a tear and a look of who cares, are the grandparents.
Round One – Parents take the first swing. “These are our kids, and we will raise them how we think.” This is a technical knockout from the beginning. It is true. No matter how you think your adult children are raising their kids wrong, you can’t undermine their authority. (unless there is abuse) They are the parents. Put yourself in their shoes. Would you have appreciated a meddling from parents or in-laws when you were their age? I know you may have wisdom that actually is a smart thing for them to do. I know you may be only trying to help. But you have to go by the parents’ rules. Grandparents are not permitted to undermine the rules established by the parents because it will cause the kids to rebel against the parents. Honoring and obedience are the two biggest ground rules established in the Bible for children in response to their parents. Ephesians 6:1,2. You must never even give a hint to the grandchildren that they are being raised wrong. You can’t say anything to the grandkids when the parents aren’t around. You can’t knowingly go against the parent’s rules even if you think they are dumb rules. In some cases, you may have to bite your tongue a lot which is why most boxers wear a mouth piece.
Round Two – Grandparents give a sucker punch. Parents need to realize that this is one of the few joys that grandparents have. Many things have changed. Jobs. Health. Get up and go has done got up and left. But having grandkids is a crown to people according to scripture. So, you have to let the grandparents have some slack. If they over-indulge them when the kids visit, let it roll. You can always tell your kids that the grandparents are allowed to give y’all stuff and let you occasionally stay up late and eat ice cream because it is a special occasion. It is special days to visit grandma and grandpa. However, we are allowing you to do that. But you still have to obey us, and the rule is no ice cream before bed. Parents need to simmer down and put their egos aside. Your parents weren’t perfect. They made mistakes. You have the right to do things differently to avoid those mistakes. But it doesn’t mean you have to see everything your parents say or do as a confrontation to your authority. Your parents do have wisdom. Wisdom comes with age. Don’t bristle every time they offer some advice. Some of the things they could tell you really could help you. Grandparents should not constantly criticize or offer advice. I think it would be wise to offer advice when asked for it. If there is some glaring problem that you know could help them, then take them away out of earshot from the kids and gently and lovingly offer help. At that point, you have to punt. Let it go. The parents will either take the advice or reject it and you can’t control it.
These are general rules. If grandparents raise the kids, or baby-sit for them much of the week, then the grandparents have to be allowed to discipline the kids as well. Parents should clearly state what the expectations are for eating, disciplining and sleeping. All grandparents should be allowed some lee way to spoil. The fewer visits they have, the more this can occur. (That is like 3 or 4 visits per year is all the grandparents get) Bottom line is that parents can’t be undermined. Grandparents should be afforded a wide arena to interact with their grandkids. Never do anything that keeps grandkids from experiencing the unconditional love of grandparents. You parents may have a problem with your parents or in-laws, but the kids don’t. Please, don’t rob your kids of the joy of having a relationship where they are not held in strict accountability – they are just held.