Violence towards others. Teen pregnancy. Gang activity. Alcohol and drug abuse. So many sad ways for young people to have their lives ruined, altered or ended. And many of these societal problems can be traced to a common root cause. Absent fathers. Please note that I didn’t say always. I didn’t even say most of the time. However, there is statistical evidence that shows a large number of these problems occur with kids that do not have a father in their life.
Just because the father is actually living in the home does not mean that kids are exempt from this phenomena. There can be a dad present in the home, but he is not there for his children emotionally, mentally or spiritually. Physically he is present, and that is about it.
Countless numbers of other homes actually have the dad gone out of the home. Children need both parents in a home to learn certain and specific things about life. That is why God in His wisdom, established the family as a husband and wife teaching their children the ways of the Lord. This is not to say that there are not also far-reaching problems when the mom is out of the child’s life. But I am focusing on absent fathers.
The female child learns how to respond to men from her father. The female is looking for love, acceptance and affection from the male. Her father is suppose to show her all of these things so that she will become an adult and seek these qualities out in a mate. However, girls that do not receive this affection from their dad, will still desire this internally. They will become teen girls and start looking outside the home for what they cannot find inside the home. They will turn to peer boys to meet their unmet need for affection, attention and love. These boys are all too willing to prey upon a needy girl. They won’t give them affection, but something else. These girls are often abused by boyfriends. This changes their life. And more than 90% of all teen girls who get pregnant, report that they did not have a close, loving relationship with their father.
Promiscuity, pregnancy, abuse and low self-esteem are common problems with girls that are raised in an absent father home.
Boys also suffer. Boys get their identity from their father on how to be male. If they don’t see a role model in their father, then they will begin to look around out in the world for their unmet needs, just like girls do. So the boy becomes a teenager, and wants to learn how to be a man. He doesn’t get anything from his dad, so he looks at society. If he looks at today’s contemporary music, movies and athletes, then he will get a perverted picture of manhood. He will get an unholy view of manhood. Men today in society-at-large are violent, non-family oriented, loners, and use women only as sex objects for their own pleasure. This is how many of these boys will live out their life.
And particularly hard hit are these male children. They must bond with other males. If they can’t bond with a father figure, then they will look outside the home for this bonding. And there are always the jaws of a peer group ready to devour young men like this. In a study done several years ago by an Arkansas police department, 95% of all boys involved in gangs had no father in the home. But the most insipid problem with these boys is alcohol. They want to be accepted as a male. Society paints a rosy picture of manhood as drinking. In all the TV commercials and sports venues, drinking is a man thing. So, in order to achieve what they perceive as manhood, they will find a peer group of other boys who are cut off and disillusioned, and drink to end their pain. They self-medicate with alcohol. I don’t like the hole I have in my heart. I have a lot of rejection and abandonment issues in my life. Alcohol helps me forget these temporarily. The trouble is they have to keep doing this because the numbing of the pain is only as long as the alcohol last. Now we have a problem drinker. And many of these rejection issues are coming from a father who overtly or covertly ignored and rejected his son. The father may not see it as that. The father may be in the home. But because of his lack of involvement in his son’s life; the son sees it as rejection whether the father does or not.
This is why it is important for single moms to get their kids exposed to a positive Christian male role model. Hopefully a relative. If there are none, then speak with your pastor or youth minister about help finding a mentor. In today’s time, you will always have to be careful about a mentor because there are so many molesters out there. Pray. God can send one to your son. A mom cannot teach everything a girl or guy needs that can only be taught from the male. Expose them to positive male role models in some way. And dads, you must never underestimate the life changing impact you have on your kids. All their friends, other people that love them, can never have the impact that you will. For good or bad, their mom and you will impact them more than any other person on the face of this earth. Rich dads invest in their kid’s life. Re-connect with your kids before it is too late. Dads, you are to bring them up in the ways of the Lord. You are charged with this responsibility by God. Read Ephesians 6:4. Now hug your kids and get busy. By the way, boys need affection from their dads also. Hug your sons.
March 30, 2010
Absent Father Syndrome
March 3, 2010
I Expected That You Could
Did you ever expect someone to do something, and then they didn’t. It’s a sure fire way to make you depressed, or angry, or frustrated or exasperated. It almost always makes you disappointed in this other person. You had an expectation, and they didn’t meet it. The problem is not that they didn’t meet your expectations. The problem is that you had the expectations in the first place. People are going to fail meeting all your expectations. Only God can meet all of our expectations.
Sometimes, young people expect that their future spouse will meet some expectation that they hold. This expectation may be unrealistic. Or, it may be realistic, but it is your expectation and not your spouses. You have put this on them with the only result going to be disappointment. We must all be careful to not put our expectations of what we think others should do. As an example, a young man may think that when he gets married that his wife will cook for him. Some wives do. Some don’t. But you are putting something on her that may not belong to her personality. Maybe a young lady thinks her husband will be able to do all the car repairs. That can be a misguided expectation because not all men know how to work on cars, nor do they want to. The more of these you put on someone, the more disappointed you will be with them.
Then, there are those expectations that should never be placed on anyone. If you get married and expect that your spouse will bring you happiness, and you will never be lonely again: boy are you going to be rudely awakened. That is impossible. Happiness comes and goes in a relationship. Some days we are happy, and some days we are not. A spouse can’t make you that anyway. Happiness comes from knowing and serving the Lord. He may use your spouse to meet some of those needs, but He alone is the sole source of joy, happiness and completeness. Some of the most lonely people in the world are married people who have grown distant and apathetic towards their spouse. It is really unfair to even put this “happiness” expectation on another person.
The only purpose of marriage is to glorify God. The purpose of marriage is not for self-fulfillment and happiness. Those are by-products of a marriage where each person is living for the Lord and giving themselves to the other. God is our source of self-fulfillment. God should be our source of joy and happiness. Putting these expectations on other people will only make you sad. The more expectations you place on another person, the sadder you will become.
How about with our children? How about with grandchildren? My children make me happy. My new little granddaughter brings such joy to my life. There is no denying that. However, I count these as blessings from God. My total joy is met in Christ alone. The joy I feel for my granddaughter is overflow. My cup overfloweth. But it would be wrong for me to put all of my need for joy and happiness on my granddaughter. She can’t be perfect. She will do things wrong in the future. She won’t be happy every day. And if she pitches a fit in Wal-Mart some day, I may not be happy with her at that moment. But you see, I don’t require that of her. Jesus meets all my emotional needs. He can use my family to help show me His love and joy. And if there are days that I am not happy with my spouse, or children or grandchildren, then that is just a temporary event. But I still have my total source of fulfillment in life. I can never lose Jesus. I can never lose the love and acceptance that God has for me through Jesus Christ. This type of love is found in Romans 8:38,39. Again in I Corinthians 13:7. His total acceptance of me is Hebrews 13:5.
I see many parents disappointed in their kids. And sadly, the kids know this. The parents have put up some ideal they got from society of what a great kid would look like; and then put that on their child. But God makes every kid unique. Not every child will go to college. They don’t have to go to college to still be a great success in life for God. But you browbeat them into this expectation, and when it doesn’t work out, you are disappointed in them. And they get low self-esteem and shame because they feel they have let you down. Don’t put that burden on your kids. You can encourage them. You can help guide them. But don’t put all these expectations on them for your own low self-esteem or bragging rights to the family. They don’t have to make the honor roll to be a good kid. They don’t have to go to college to be wise. They don’t have to make tons of money to be successful in God’s eyes. Only yours. Be content with how God has made your child and treasure them for who they are as God made them.
Finally, quit beating yourself up and putting expectations on yourself. Do the best you can. Develop as God has gifted you. And don’t put American standards of success and happiness on yourself. We all need to be whom God made us without any other people putting their expectations on us. Amen?
January 25, 2010
Parenting a Toddler
What happened? Just a few months ago, your baby was a sweet little thing that you held close to you all the time. Now they have grown into a powerhouse of exploding emotions and energy. And they don’t want to always be held by you. They want to kick and get down away from you. Then, as soon as you let them down, they want you to pick them up again. What gives? Let me assure you that you are not crazy. You are not a bad parent. You are a typical parent experiencing one of the most difficult times in human development. The toddler years.
You have to discipline your child a great deal of the time. However, you must keep in the back of your mind that not all of their behavior has to be disciplined. For the first time ever in their young life, they have the ability to independently discover the world on their own. They have a limitless supply of energy and the physical ability to explore. And the whole world is new. Every day is a novelty. Help them explore the novelty of the world around them. This is how they grow. It might also be a time where you re-connect with the simple and beautiful things of life that you have just taken for granted. See life afresh through the eyes of your toddler. Let them touch, smell and taste. Some things can be learned not to touch in the home. Don’t completely childproof your home. They can be told no to some things. But also make your home kid friendly. Have things that they can pick up, touch and squeeze. These are the years that the glass vases and crystal nic nacs are put up. Don’t expect other homes to do the same. Be flexible. Some things we can touch, other things are a “no”.
You can distract them. One of the easiest methods to keep them out of trouble, is to pick them up and remove them from the trouble spot. Get their attention on something else. This can work some of the time. There will be other times where they are obsessed with doing something they are not suppose to do. This is where the heartbreaking part of parenting comes in. You have to spank them. Proverbs 13:24 states that if you don’t whip your kid, then you hate them. You are not showing love to your child to let them go wild with no boundaries or discipline. You will have hurt them their whole life because no one will be able to stand them, and they won’t do well out in society. Proverbs 19:18 goes on to say that you should spank your kids and don’t worry about their crying. Spank them while there is still hope, which means while they are still young. Finally, Proverbs 23:13,14 tells parents to whip their kids and deliver their soul from hell. Discipline is a major underpinning of parenting. God has blessed you with this child, and you are to be a good steward of the gifts God gives you.
Your toddler wants to do everything, and they are still not physically able to do it all. This causes them to be filled with frustration. And we all know what happens when we get frustrated. We get mad. They are going to pitch some fits. That is normal. But you have to be sure and not pitch one with them. Your toddler is not doing this to just make you have a bad day. They are not capable of that at this age. They are frustrated because they can’t do something, and one of the few emotions they have mastered is anger. Help them learn how to deal with anger. We talk to them in a calm voice. We may have to get down to eye level with them. We may also need to pay more attention to them. I know you think you are constantly giving them attention. However, there is a need for direct eye contact with your toddler. When they pitch a tantrum, they are often times doing it for attention. Granted it is negative attention, but nonetheless, you are finally paying them some attention. You watching TV while they are in the room with you, is not undivided attention. Eye contact and touch are critical for them. When they are having one of those bad days, it may save you putting out a lot of fires to just stop. Stop what you are doing. Get something out you can both interact with, and spend some one on one time.
Sometimes “out of control” behavior can come from eating or sleeping habits. All kids function better with structure in their life. Trying to have them go to bed at the same time every night is important. Having them get enough sleep is critical. A child who is fussy all the time may not be getting enough sleep. Don’t allow your children to sleep with you. This is not good for all concerned. They need about 12 hours of sleep. Behavior problems can also occur from food allergies. Stay on top of this and if you suspect it; take them to the pediatrician or a specialist. Redness of the ears and face and behavior problems after eating are a couple of the signs.
You may need to be getting more sleep yourself. You may need to eat better also. If you would eat some healthy food, and go on walks with your toddler, you would be less stressed. If it is a two-parent household, then each parent needs to give some time off to the other parent to relax. Even stay-at-home moms need some time off. This is a fun time because for the first time, you can start teaching your children about your faith. Two year olds are very capable of praying and quoting scripture. I see it every week in churches. You have to spend time though teaching them how to pray. Bowing their heads, talking about Jesus etc… Just remember, it is your job to teach them how to handle their emotions. They don’t know. It is their job to learn, and your job to teach. If you don’t know how, read a book or ask your parents. For example: it is okay to be angry, but we don’t throw things or hit things. We talk about it. We walk. We don’t hit. This will be repeated hundreds of times in the next few years. Don’t give up. God is on your side. God wants you to be successful. God wants your child to be successful. Bottom line: Love them deeply while you have them. It is frustrating some days, but you only have them for such a short time. Play hard. Pray hard. Love deeply. God bless you.
Parenting a 12 to 14 Year Old
A better title might be “ Living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” Wow, are these crazy times for parenting. What you are parenting right now is a human being that is exploding in growth, both physically and emotionally. Some days they can be the sweetest things on earth, and in a heartbeat they can become hateful and explode in an anger outburst. So take a deep breath. What you are experiencing is the norm for kids this age. You are not a bad parent. They are not bad kids. This is just a tumultuous time for the human being.
If you have a daughter, then for two to three years, the mother will be to blame for everything. Even if someone else made her mad, somehow the mom gets the brunt of the hostility. She is turned against mom right now, but in a few years she will come to see mom as her identity. So, don’t give up. And dad’s really don’t understand hormonal teenage girls. We never experienced what they are going through and it is baffling to say the least. I know when my daughter was this age, I went to Wal-mart and bought an estrogen salt lick and put that in her room. I said, “ Every time you start feeling emotional, lick that thing because I can’t handle your outburst.” It is almost like invasion of the body snatchers. Someone has overtaken your daughter and she is no longer human. She will return to normalcy in about 24 months.
Your sons at this age will be a contradiction in totality. They seem to be understanding life pretty well, and then they just flip out. One day you think they are maturing, and the next day they act like a living brain donor. They will really want to start being independent of the parents now. If the son and mom had a close relationship, then he will start pulling away a little. He still may like to do things with dad like hunt and fish, but there is constant head-butting. It is like having two mountain goats with big horns butting up against each other all the time.
Whether you have a boy or a girl, this is generally the worst 24 months of human existence. You are not a little child anymore. You are far from being an adult. You are barely an adolescent. Your body is changing all the time with the hormones and puberty. A kid this age doesn’t understand what is happening. Emotionally, they are learning how to relate to others. They can get in fights and arguments. They may say things that are real inappropriate to others. When they see the response to those comments, they are learning. While you the parent may be shocked and embarrassed, don’t over react. People have to learn how to respond to the world around them, and that is what they are learning to do at this age. They can be so serious one minute and then resort to acting like a two year old in the next moment.
Still show affection to them. They are scared whether they admit it or not. They may act like they don’t want any affection from you. They probably don’t out in public. Those days are gone. However, at home, you need to still give them lots of hugs and pats on the back. You must discipline them, but don’t make every moment of every day a constant negative. These kids are afraid they are going to fail in life. They aren’t, but they think they are because they don’t understand themselves. If you have a new adolescent who is driving you crazy, then you need to spend some individual time with them. If you have smaller kids, you will have to find some time each week to just be alone with the 12-14 year old. They need individual time with you. Playing a game or doing something where you pay attention to them for 30 minutes a night will drastically help them calm down.
You can’t treat them like a 4 year old anymore, even when they act like one. You must discipline them. But you have to understand that a lot of what they are doing, they don’t mean to do it in the wrong way. They are just making a lot of mistakes right now. They are just starting out into this new adolescent phase. Help them. Teach them. You can ground them, remove privileges etc… The whippings should start to go away during this age. However, if they are just asking for a whipping, never disappoint them. But removing cell phones, grounded away from friends, can be much more effective at this age. It is always good to share things about yourself at this age. Let them know they are not weird. At night when you go into their bedside, this becomes a great time to talk to them. You might say something like, “ You know when I was your age, I felt this way…” Or ”One time when I was in middle school my friend hurt me and this is what I did…” You don’t always have to tell them what they should do, but rather tell them what worked for you. They won’t let you know, but they are listening and learning. Give very clear expectations for them. Don’t assume they know something is right or wrong. You have to be a surrogate brain for them. They don’t think rationally or clearly with all those hormones right now. Set down guidelines for friends, face book talk, music etc… They don’t like who they are right now, or who they are becoming. This is a great time to teach them that God loves them no matter what. Getting this teen to understand the love of Christ might help them avoid some of the deeper pitfalls that wait ahead. God bless you.