Family Ark Ministries

When teens talk back to us, it frustrates us.  When they say hateful things to us it can make us angry towards them.  When they say things that are just down right cruel, it can break a parent’s heart.  Teenage rebellion can flow along a wide spectrum of behavior.  If your child just talks back, then you have to discipline the mouth and grow on.  This is mild adolescent rebellion. When your teen screams out of control and tells you they hate you, and then gets involved in horrible behavior; it rips your heart out.  No matter what end of the spectrum your teen’s rebellion falls upon, it would be wise for parents to follow the advice of James 1: 19 “ Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”  I know it seems impossible some days.  They can just set you off with a look.  But we must rely on the power of God to help us exercise the fruit of the spirit of self-control.  Wait.  Listen to them.  Be slow to speak.  Take a time out if you have to.  Give appropriate discipline.  Don’t pay back the hurt they caused you, by you hurting them. Be slow to wrath. Don’t pull away and don’t disconnect

As a parent with a rebellious teenager, be sure you watch out for these manipulative characteristics.  Your teen should not manipulate you to get what they want in life.  This is a very dysfunctional behavior that will not help them in life, and will actually hurt their future marriage and family.  Some manipulations and behaviors to discipline are:
1)  Temper tantrums.  The purpose of these are to manipulate you and to get what they want.  They must learn to control their anger and to respond with a controlled message even when angry.  If your teen is not taught by you how to control their anger, they will have a trail of broken relationships as adults.
2) Distorting the facts.  This is willful deceit on their part.  Deceit is tantamount to lying.
3)  Manipulations through silence.  Some kids are quieter than others.  But all teens should be required to speak when addressed.  The teen may think that if they are quiet, then the parent can’t criticize them. Sometimes they are quiet to get their way. Sometimes it is solely for the purpose of irritating you and throwing you off guard.  They need to dialogue with you when requested.
4)  Launch a new verbal or behavioral outburst worse than the first to get you to back off.   You may be so shocked by this outburst, that you send them to their room. That is exactly what they wanted.  They wanted you to get off their back, and off the subject you were arguing about.  Now, everyone is in meltdown mold and sent to their room.  But at least they got you off track of the previous violation. A second possible reason for this is because the teen feels you have labeled them and see them as a “bad” kid.  In this mentality the kids says, “ You apparently think I am a bad, incompetent person, so I’ll give you proof you are correct.”  I will act out bad behavior because I get no encouragement from you.  You must encourage your teen sometimes.
5)  Blame-shifting.  This is common. When you are correcting your teen about some behavior, they shift the blame to someone else.  They may also try and bring up a sibling and say, “ they did it too”.  Or “ you didn’t do that when he/she did this”.  Bring the subject back into focus.  Parents should say, “ I am not talking about last week or your sister/brothers behavior. I am addressing your behavior right now.  Let’s stick to your behavior.”
6)  Rationalize the wrong behavior.  Your teen has broken the family rule. They went against the family’s moral values.  This is not up for discussion.  They are trying to argue and rationalize their sinful behavior. No deal.  We live our life by the choices we make.

The parent is not the bad guy here.  As parents, you should clearly state the expected behavior and moral code for the family.  Now, if your teen makes good, Godly choices, they get more privileges and freedom and rewards.  If they make wrong choices, then there is consequences and removal of privileges.  Do not let them whine and wear you down.  This is part of the reason many teens use rebellion  in the first place.  They can do whatever they want.  When they get in trouble, such as grounding; all they have to do is wear you down and you will give in.  Don’t!  Be consistent.  It lets them know that many things in life are non-negotiable and they have consequences.  All of our actions will help or hurt us.  When you let discipline slide, or you are inconsistent; it sends a confusing message to the teen.

As I close this series, let me tell you. Don’t disconnect from your rebellious teen. They have hurt you, but you are their last hope.  If you give up on them, they have no one.  You will want to pull away, but instead pull together.  Pray with them.  Even if they don’t want to.  Encourage them.  Find something to praise them about.  They will do more positive behavior if they receive verbal recognition from you.  Love and forgive them.
Never, never , never give up on them. God won’t.  You can’t.  Get biblical help or medical help if the situation calls for it.  Stay close to God, and stay in church. Be sure your rebellious teen attends church with you.  Psalm46:1.

It is hard to remember when they were a newborn. So sweet,  So loving. You never thought you could be mad at them.  But my how things have changed.  If you have a rebellious teenager, then there is little harmony in the home.  There is constant tension in the parent/teen relationship.  There can be many hurt feelings. It can be mild rebellion where there are a lot of arguments and what seems like endless discipline.  It can escalate to violence, and destruction of the family unit where everyone is falling apart emotionally.  Whether mild or wild, teenage rebellion is unwelcome in the home.

There are a few phrases that we parents have to avoid using.  These communication styles actually create roadblocks to good, open dialogue with teens.   Here are some things that parents should strive to avoid as much as possible.  I will first list the roadblock, and then give an example of each.

Accusations -    You deliberately did that to irritate me.
Predictions – If you keep that up, you will never have any friends or get married.
Sarcasm – You really think you’re cute, don’t you?  Yeah, right!
Name-calling – Look at you! You’re acting just like a 2 year old child.
Ignoring – I refuse to even talk to you about that issue.
Threats – You keep it up, and you will regret making me mad like that.
Procrastination – I can’t talk right now.  Wait till later when I am not so busy.
Interrupting – Wait just a minute. That’s not how I remember it.
Exasperation – Go ahead and just do it.  I am tired of arguing with you about it.

Teens express their frustration with their parents not communicating with them effectively.  I know parents feel the same way about the teens.  What you have to do is set the example. Role model the communication style you want to see displayed by your teen.  They may be rebellious right now, but they are still learning how to communicate from your example.  You need to have some family rules that everyone must follow.  There should be no yelling, or stomping, slamming doors, interrupting, walking off etc…. You need to set these rules down with everyone in the family.  When someone violates these rules, you need to call a time out and everyone just go to their room and calm down.  Problems are not solved by emotional outburst. They only escalate.  If you allow yourself, or your child to continue in this out-of-control conversation; then there will be some hurt feelings.  It is at this time that people say things they regret later on.

Don’t get into a power struggle with your teen.  You are the authority, but it will not end well if your goal is just to prove who is in charge.  Refrain from trying to emotionally overpower your teen.  Keep your comments brief.  We teach our children all of their morals at a young age. By the time they are teens, they know right from wrong.  You just need to set the consequences and rewards for good and bad choices.  They make the choices.  They must learn that they live by the choices they make.  If they make healthy, honoring and holy choices, then there are rewards and freedom.  If they make unhealthy, unwise, dishonoring or ungodly choices, then there must be clear consequences.   Allow your teen to experience the pain of wrong choices.  It is one of life’s greatest lessons.

However, since they already know what they did was wrong and against the family’s rules; they don’t need a lot of preaching.   Keep your comments short and simply implement the consequences.  Maintain an open mind. Don’t insist that you are always right. Even if you are most of the time, it is that attitude that your teen picks up on, and they feel they have no say so in any matter.  Teens should feel like they at least have the right to express themselves without a disdainful judgment on your part.

Don’t argue with your teen.  By that I mean if they keep it up, don’t engage them. Call a time out and split up.  They can use arguing to wear you down, stress you out, or manipulate you to get their own way.  You are the authority of that home.  You do not have to subject yourself to them arguing with you as though they are on equal ground with you. They are not.  You must always respect them as a person.  You must be nice and not cruel.  However, you are over that home. You set the rules.  They must honor you.   While there are some subjects that you can open up for dialogue and discussion, there are some areas that are simply a matter of obedience with no debate.

Show your teen, through words and actions, that you understand his or her viewpoint.  Whether right or wrong, they will not fight you so much if they feel like you at least are listening to them and understand their point of view.  We all want that ,don’t we?  As you show leadership in family communication, the teen will be watching and learning from you.  Make sure you offer a safe and sane home for discussions.  That means you won’t make fun of them and you will not judge them harshly.  Love has to be the centerpiece of communication with a rebellious teen.  Ephesians 4:15 tells us to speak the truth in love.

If you are a parent with a teenager at home, you may laugh briefly at that title.  What does teenage rebellion look like?  Is he kidding!  All he would have to do is come over any evening to our house and see it.  Okay. I understand where you are coming from.  Some signs of teenage rebellion are very clear.  However,  there are some very distinct characteristics you should be aware of.  All of these need to be nipped in the bud.  We must shower our teens with love and acceptance.  However, we must also discipline them with firmness and resolve.  It is your job to teach your children how to live as Godly people.  Proverbs 29:15 states, “ The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.”  This scripture states that we must discipline our children, and we must also learn how to communicate with them. Both discipline and communicating with them in a loving, yet informing manner, will give your teen wisdom.  If you don’t discipline a teen, they will become rebellious and bring you to shame.

Here are some characteristics of a rebellious teen.

1)  They deliberately flaunt inappropriate behavior as a way of exercising control over the parent, or manipulating the parent so they can get what they want.

2)  Rejecting standards and moral values set by the parents because they are outdated and should not apply to me.  Times have changed.  ( But remember God’s laws have not)

3) Openly defying the beliefs that have governed the family’s behavior and moral code for all these years.  They might even make light of these rules or call them stupid.

4)  “I didn’t know”.  This is claiming ignorance of parental expectations.  The teen, as well as the parents, know that the teen is being deceitful.  It isn’t even up for discussion. They know.  They are simply trying to manipulate the outcome.  Stick to your rules.

5) Breaking promises and flat-out disobedience.  The parent has made a request.  The teen knows what is expected of them and they simply do not do it.  That is willful disobedience and should be disciplined. Breaking promises over and over again, eventually has to have consequences.  When a teen promises they will not do something again, and then they do; that is disobedience.  They cannot use the “ I forgot” excuse.  Discipline should help them remember from now on.

There are other very specific things that teens do that you can read about in Proverbs 6:16-19.  Sit down and do these as devotions with your teens.  These are not just for teens, but they are 7 things the Lord finds an abomination.  Certainly, then we need to teach our teens that these behaviors will not be tolerated in a Godly home.  Take for example the first one listed.  God hates a proud look. If you have a teenager, you know what a proud look is about.  That is the rolling of the eyes, facial expressions, huffing of breath, folding arms, cocking the hip out and being put out.  That proud look needs to be disciplined because God hates it.  God hates liars also.   That is next on the list. By the way parents, deceit is lying.  Failure to tell you the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God, is deceit, which is lying.  The list continues.   Study it.  As a matter of fact, all of chapter 6 is good.  It gives grounds for why they should work this summer and do chores around the house.  Consider the ant you sluggard.  And if you have a teen that sleeps all day Saturday, then try reading verse 9.  “ How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard?  When wilt thou arise out of thy sleep?”  Scripture is so awesome.  It is the parents best support for why we do what we do.  Don’t forget also Ephesians 6:1-3.  Some people may think these verses only apply to small children.  But there is no age restriction. Your children must honor and obey you.  And remember, it is not just that they obey you.  It is that they must have an honoring attitude towards you.  Verse 3 says if they do, it will go well for them. If they don’t, then it would follow that it would NOT go well for them.

You can tell your rebellious teen this:  I do not expect you to understand the reasons why I do everything. I do not expect you to agree with all the rules and expected behavior of our home.  However, I do expect you to honor me and these rules that I have established.  Failure to do so will result in consequences for you.  We can have discussions about consequences.  You can always express your opinions in a respectful tone of voice.  However, the rules I establish are not open for debate.  Our family rules are based upon God’s Word and the leadership of the Holy Spirit.  This is my job for the Lord to teach you these things.  I also expect a proper attitude towards my role as your parent.

Finally, remember that although you set the rules, it is necessary for you to learn to listen to your teen.  Before you have a family meeting with the list of rules, ask what they think.  Show an attitude of concern for their feelings and opinions.  You may want to pray after this and wait before establishing the rules because they may actually have made sense on some issues.  Then, with love, implement the choices and consequences for family behavior.  Stand on your convictions.  It is your job to be the loving authority at home.

A couple of days ago I was doing a women’s conference down on the ocean front in Texas.  I had finished my morning prayers, and had walked out and got in my car to leave the hotel parking lot.  God impressed upon me to start praying for one of the young men in my mentorship group.  I love this about God.  One of the greatest confirmations that God is real, outside of Him living in my heart, is how He speaks to me about my prayers.   I haven’t always been one who listened in the past. But I have grown up to love this. I strive so hard to not lean unto my own understanding, but in all my ways to acknowledge Him.  Every time someone’s name comes to mind, I don’t think about them. I start praying for them.  I frequently hear how that very day something happened to this person about what I prayed for them.  So, I started praying for this young man. The Lord’s spirit directed my prayers toward praying and asking that this young man receive a ministry opportunity. 

As I am finishing this prayer, my cell phone begins to ring.  Since it is in my lap; it startles me when it rings. I normally wouldn’t stop any prayer for a phone call, but I opened my eyes when the phone rang so loudly.  I looked at the caller ID, and the name on the caller ID was this young man I had been praying for. 

I answered the phone and said, “  I am freaking out.  I was just uttering your name before heaven. The Lord asked me to pray for you about receiving a ministry opportunity. “  The young man replied back, “You are really going to start freaking out then, when I tell you that I was calling to ask you to pray for me.  I am driving to an appointment with a pastor to talk to him about being considered for their youth minister position.  I was calling you to ask you to pray for me and this ministry opportunity.”  Wow!! I was amazed.  I told him I didn’t have to pray for him and this opportunity, because God had already gone out ahead of him and called on me to pray for him.  As I shared this with some of the people at the conference, they said “ that’s weird”.  I said, “It’s God!”.

I know sometimes it is weird.  I know sometimes you just cannot explain it.  I have heard many Christians say, ” Boy this strange thing happened to me today”.  Or they might say, “ The weirdest thing happened today…. You won’t believe this… What a coincidence.”  I have said those things in the past as well.  But I have also come to learn that these weird, unbelievable, coincidental things are not just random events. 

We serve a mighty God who is deeply concerned with every aspect of our lives.  We need to always reflect every day how God has chosen to reveal His mysterious power to us.  I think sometimes we get so busy, we fail to see all that He has done throughout our hectic day.  Sometimes, we are so lost in our pursuit of the things of this world, that we totally miss the blessing of seeing our Father in our daily walk.    God sometimes will do great and mighty things in our life.  Hopefully, we all see and recognize this for what it is, and begin a period of praise and thanksgiving to our Lord for these moments.

God really is concerned about us at such a deep level, that we can’t truly understand it. 
The same with his unconditional love for us. We can’t truly comprehend the depth of His love for us.  If God loves us this much, and cares about any part of our life, and He does; then He cares about ALL of our life.  He isn’t just watching over us on Sunday at church.  He isn’t revealing His hand of providence only during a crisis.  He is always active in our lives.  While God does do some miracles in big ways in the life of every believer, He also chooses to send tiny little reminders of who He is.  He shows us little glimpses of His glory.  He speaks to us in a still small voice.  He doesn’t just help us through the big hurdles of life.  He helps us even with the mundane routines of our day. 

We need to start looking for these and praising Him.  He is worthy of our praise.  It is encouraging and reassuring to all of us when God shows himself, even in the smallest, uneventful parts of our day.  Try next week, and hopefully every week thereafter, to look for God doing little weird things in our life.  They aren’t weird.  They aren’t freaky.  It  isn’t coincidental.  It certainly has nothing to do with horoscopes.  And above all, it has nothing to do with luck. “My, weren’t you lucky.”  No, it was God.  “Wow, that was weird.”  No, that was God.  He is awesome. He is mysterious.  He is worthy to be praised.  Let everything that hath breath praise the Lord.  Psalm 147:3,6 “ He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. The Lord lifteth up the meek.” Who prepares rain for the earth?  Who makes grass grow upon the mountains?  Who gives food to the beast?  Who calls all the stars by name?  Who causes the wind to blow and the waters to flow?

“Great is the Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite.”  Psalm 147:5.