Did you ever expect someone to do something, and then they didn’t. It’s a sure fire way to make you depressed, or angry, or frustrated or exasperated. It almost always makes you disappointed in this other person. You had an expectation, and they didn’t meet it. The problem is not that they didn’t meet your expectations. The problem is that you had the expectations in the first place. People are going to fail meeting all your expectations. Only God can meet all of our expectations.
Sometimes, young people expect that their future spouse will meet some expectation that they hold. This expectation may be unrealistic. Or, it may be realistic, but it is your expectation and not your spouses. You have put this on them with the only result going to be disappointment. We must all be careful to not put our expectations of what we think others should do. As an example, a young man may think that when he gets married that his wife will cook for him. Some wives do. Some don’t. But you are putting something on her that may not belong to her personality. Maybe a young lady thinks her husband will be able to do all the car repairs. That can be a misguided expectation because not all men know how to work on cars, nor do they want to. The more of these you put on someone, the more disappointed you will be with them.
Then, there are those expectations that should never be placed on anyone. If you get married and expect that your spouse will bring you happiness, and you will never be lonely again: boy are you going to be rudely awakened. That is impossible. Happiness comes and goes in a relationship. Some days we are happy, and some days we are not. A spouse can’t make you that anyway. Happiness comes from knowing and serving the Lord. He may use your spouse to meet some of those needs, but He alone is the sole source of joy, happiness and completeness. Some of the most lonely people in the world are married people who have grown distant and apathetic towards their spouse. It is really unfair to even put this “happiness” expectation on another person.
The only purpose of marriage is to glorify God. The purpose of marriage is not for self-fulfillment and happiness. Those are by-products of a marriage where each person is living for the Lord and giving themselves to the other. God is our source of self-fulfillment. God should be our source of joy and happiness. Putting these expectations on other people will only make you sad. The more expectations you place on another person, the sadder you will become.
How about with our children? How about with grandchildren? My children make me happy. My new little granddaughter brings such joy to my life. There is no denying that. However, I count these as blessings from God. My total joy is met in Christ alone. The joy I feel for my granddaughter is overflow. My cup overfloweth. But it would be wrong for me to put all of my need for joy and happiness on my granddaughter. She can’t be perfect. She will do things wrong in the future. She won’t be happy every day. And if she pitches a fit in Wal-Mart some day, I may not be happy with her at that moment. But you see, I don’t require that of her. Jesus meets all my emotional needs. He can use my family to help show me His love and joy. And if there are days that I am not happy with my spouse, or children or grandchildren, then that is just a temporary event. But I still have my total source of fulfillment in life. I can never lose Jesus. I can never lose the love and acceptance that God has for me through Jesus Christ. This type of love is found in Romans 8:38,39. Again in I Corinthians 13:7. His total acceptance of me is Hebrews 13:5.
I see many parents disappointed in their kids. And sadly, the kids know this. The parents have put up some ideal they got from society of what a great kid would look like; and then put that on their child. But God makes every kid unique. Not every child will go to college. They don’t have to go to college to still be a great success in life for God. But you browbeat them into this expectation, and when it doesn’t work out, you are disappointed in them. And they get low self-esteem and shame because they feel they have let you down. Don’t put that burden on your kids. You can encourage them. You can help guide them. But don’t put all these expectations on them for your own low self-esteem or bragging rights to the family. They don’t have to make the honor roll to be a good kid. They don’t have to go to college to be wise. They don’t have to make tons of money to be successful in God’s eyes. Only yours. Be content with how God has made your child and treasure them for who they are as God made them.
Finally, quit beating yourself up and putting expectations on yourself. Do the best you can. Develop as God has gifted you. And don’t put American standards of success and happiness on yourself. We all need to be whom God made us without any other people putting their expectations on us. Amen?
March 3, 2010
I Expected That You Could
February 12, 2010
Parenting Your Child’s Mouth
A parent can be embarrassed so quickly by their silver tongued child who out of nowhere can rattle off a chain of offensive words. Hopefully, this is a rare occurrence where the child has picked up something somewhere out in the world, and you will have to correct them for it. In many other instances, the child is repeating something they have heard from someone else in the family. This is a double embarrassment. Either way, parents are suppose to teach and discipline their children about the words that come out of their mouth.
Matthew 12:34-37 is a cornerstone teaching scripture about the mouth. This is a good passage to do in your family devotions. Teach your children that all words are flowing out of the heart. They always reflect a condition of the heart. It is very important for parents to help their children tame the wild beast. Another passage to use here is James 3:5. The taming of the tongue. We not only have to surrender our heart to Jesus, but we must all surrender our tongue to Jesus. We must let Him help us to control our tongue.
You must discipline your children when they use wrong language. This is not just a “cursing” issue. You have to instruct children how to use their mouth in the areas of anger, frustration and especially in how to respond to those around you. It is never too early to start teaching your children that words are the cornerstone to a healthy relationship. Loving families use loving words. A fight with a brother or sister has to be tempered with decent language. You cannot allow your children to assassinate each other when they are fighting. Words impact relationships for better or for worse. This teaching will help your kids in their future marriages. Words are very important in a marriage.
It is not necessary to whip a kid for every single word they use. Sometimes they use a word that they heard somewhere, maybe used by some other kid. They were not aware it was a bad word. Don’t over react. Use moderation here. Pull them aside. This type of discipline is best received when they are not embarrassed in front of others. Pull them aside, and gently and calmly tell them that it is a bad word, and we don’t talk like that . Then, it is important to set a consequence for future use of the word. Again, it is not necessary to spank your child for bad words. Be creative with the discipline. Maybe they have to put some money in a jar for every bad word, or verbal attack on a member of the family.
You will definitely need to discipline “patterns” of improper speech. You will have to set down clear consequences, and be willing to follow through with it. And if you have one of those kids that just loves to push your buttons, then you can always use the old time-tested soap in the mouth discipline. Kids prefer Irish Spring and adults prefer Lava or a non-flavored type. Remember it just takes a little. Don’t soap their tongue too much or they will be blowing bubbles for an hour! The money that goes into the “bad word” jar can be given to the church or the cause of your choice. Might as well use it for God’s glory. He is the reason we train our hearts to speak a language of edification.
Don’t just limit your discipline to saying naughty words. Your children need to be taught first, then disciplined for a whole list of unedifying language. This is where teaching comes in. It is your job to teach your children to not use the tongue for the following:
Critical language, making fun of others, gossiping, sarcasm, name-calling, talking back to you or other authority figures, advice shunning from you, self-defeating talk ( where they put themselves down), and making fun or using hurtful remarks towards siblings or friends. Don’t allow your children to make fun of older people or people who look different than they do. Just because someone comes from a different culture or country does not mean we can laugh at them. People are not the objects of our mocking. God created all people. Make the person that is being made fun of; a person. If they say, “ Look at that old man.” You say, “ And what do we think about him?” They learn to say, “ That is someone’s grandpa whom they love and he is a wonderful Christian man.” Help them see he is a person and not an object, who is created by God. God doesn’t make losers, nerds, geeks, etc… Teach them ahead of time how to respond to a kid at school who calls them names or teases them. This is called equipping. Here are some scriptures to use in this process. Genesis 1:26, Ephesians 4:15,29-32, Matthew 12:34-37, James 3:5-10, Ephesians 6:2 Proverbs 18:21. These are just a few scriptures of many to help you get started training your child in the ways of the Lord and how to use their tongue as a Christian should . Our mouth is our advertisement of who we are in Christ. Finally, parents this is for you. Your kids most often talk like you ,so we are going to have to ask God to help us clean up our act. Do you ever use ungodly language when driving? Do you ever make fun of someone? You can’t pass on what you do not possess. Pray for the Holy Spirit to train your entire family’s tongue.
January 25, 2010
Parenting a Toddler
What happened? Just a few months ago, your baby was a sweet little thing that you held close to you all the time. Now they have grown into a powerhouse of exploding emotions and energy. And they don’t want to always be held by you. They want to kick and get down away from you. Then, as soon as you let them down, they want you to pick them up again. What gives? Let me assure you that you are not crazy. You are not a bad parent. You are a typical parent experiencing one of the most difficult times in human development. The toddler years.
You have to discipline your child a great deal of the time. However, you must keep in the back of your mind that not all of their behavior has to be disciplined. For the first time ever in their young life, they have the ability to independently discover the world on their own. They have a limitless supply of energy and the physical ability to explore. And the whole world is new. Every day is a novelty. Help them explore the novelty of the world around them. This is how they grow. It might also be a time where you re-connect with the simple and beautiful things of life that you have just taken for granted. See life afresh through the eyes of your toddler. Let them touch, smell and taste. Some things can be learned not to touch in the home. Don’t completely childproof your home. They can be told no to some things. But also make your home kid friendly. Have things that they can pick up, touch and squeeze. These are the years that the glass vases and crystal nic nacs are put up. Don’t expect other homes to do the same. Be flexible. Some things we can touch, other things are a “no”.
You can distract them. One of the easiest methods to keep them out of trouble, is to pick them up and remove them from the trouble spot. Get their attention on something else. This can work some of the time. There will be other times where they are obsessed with doing something they are not suppose to do. This is where the heartbreaking part of parenting comes in. You have to spank them. Proverbs 13:24 states that if you don’t whip your kid, then you hate them. You are not showing love to your child to let them go wild with no boundaries or discipline. You will have hurt them their whole life because no one will be able to stand them, and they won’t do well out in society. Proverbs 19:18 goes on to say that you should spank your kids and don’t worry about their crying. Spank them while there is still hope, which means while they are still young. Finally, Proverbs 23:13,14 tells parents to whip their kids and deliver their soul from hell. Discipline is a major underpinning of parenting. God has blessed you with this child, and you are to be a good steward of the gifts God gives you.
Your toddler wants to do everything, and they are still not physically able to do it all. This causes them to be filled with frustration. And we all know what happens when we get frustrated. We get mad. They are going to pitch some fits. That is normal. But you have to be sure and not pitch one with them. Your toddler is not doing this to just make you have a bad day. They are not capable of that at this age. They are frustrated because they can’t do something, and one of the few emotions they have mastered is anger. Help them learn how to deal with anger. We talk to them in a calm voice. We may have to get down to eye level with them. We may also need to pay more attention to them. I know you think you are constantly giving them attention. However, there is a need for direct eye contact with your toddler. When they pitch a tantrum, they are often times doing it for attention. Granted it is negative attention, but nonetheless, you are finally paying them some attention. You watching TV while they are in the room with you, is not undivided attention. Eye contact and touch are critical for them. When they are having one of those bad days, it may save you putting out a lot of fires to just stop. Stop what you are doing. Get something out you can both interact with, and spend some one on one time.
Sometimes “out of control” behavior can come from eating or sleeping habits. All kids function better with structure in their life. Trying to have them go to bed at the same time every night is important. Having them get enough sleep is critical. A child who is fussy all the time may not be getting enough sleep. Don’t allow your children to sleep with you. This is not good for all concerned. They need about 12 hours of sleep. Behavior problems can also occur from food allergies. Stay on top of this and if you suspect it; take them to the pediatrician or a specialist. Redness of the ears and face and behavior problems after eating are a couple of the signs.
You may need to be getting more sleep yourself. You may need to eat better also. If you would eat some healthy food, and go on walks with your toddler, you would be less stressed. If it is a two-parent household, then each parent needs to give some time off to the other parent to relax. Even stay-at-home moms need some time off. This is a fun time because for the first time, you can start teaching your children about your faith. Two year olds are very capable of praying and quoting scripture. I see it every week in churches. You have to spend time though teaching them how to pray. Bowing their heads, talking about Jesus etc… Just remember, it is your job to teach them how to handle their emotions. They don’t know. It is their job to learn, and your job to teach. If you don’t know how, read a book or ask your parents. For example: it is okay to be angry, but we don’t throw things or hit things. We talk about it. We walk. We don’t hit. This will be repeated hundreds of times in the next few years. Don’t give up. God is on your side. God wants you to be successful. God wants your child to be successful. Bottom line: Love them deeply while you have them. It is frustrating some days, but you only have them for such a short time. Play hard. Pray hard. Love deeply. God bless you.
Parenting a 12 to 14 Year Old
A better title might be “ Living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” Wow, are these crazy times for parenting. What you are parenting right now is a human being that is exploding in growth, both physically and emotionally. Some days they can be the sweetest things on earth, and in a heartbeat they can become hateful and explode in an anger outburst. So take a deep breath. What you are experiencing is the norm for kids this age. You are not a bad parent. They are not bad kids. This is just a tumultuous time for the human being.
If you have a daughter, then for two to three years, the mother will be to blame for everything. Even if someone else made her mad, somehow the mom gets the brunt of the hostility. She is turned against mom right now, but in a few years she will come to see mom as her identity. So, don’t give up. And dad’s really don’t understand hormonal teenage girls. We never experienced what they are going through and it is baffling to say the least. I know when my daughter was this age, I went to Wal-mart and bought an estrogen salt lick and put that in her room. I said, “ Every time you start feeling emotional, lick that thing because I can’t handle your outburst.” It is almost like invasion of the body snatchers. Someone has overtaken your daughter and she is no longer human. She will return to normalcy in about 24 months.
Your sons at this age will be a contradiction in totality. They seem to be understanding life pretty well, and then they just flip out. One day you think they are maturing, and the next day they act like a living brain donor. They will really want to start being independent of the parents now. If the son and mom had a close relationship, then he will start pulling away a little. He still may like to do things with dad like hunt and fish, but there is constant head-butting. It is like having two mountain goats with big horns butting up against each other all the time.
Whether you have a boy or a girl, this is generally the worst 24 months of human existence. You are not a little child anymore. You are far from being an adult. You are barely an adolescent. Your body is changing all the time with the hormones and puberty. A kid this age doesn’t understand what is happening. Emotionally, they are learning how to relate to others. They can get in fights and arguments. They may say things that are real inappropriate to others. When they see the response to those comments, they are learning. While you the parent may be shocked and embarrassed, don’t over react. People have to learn how to respond to the world around them, and that is what they are learning to do at this age. They can be so serious one minute and then resort to acting like a two year old in the next moment.
Still show affection to them. They are scared whether they admit it or not. They may act like they don’t want any affection from you. They probably don’t out in public. Those days are gone. However, at home, you need to still give them lots of hugs and pats on the back. You must discipline them, but don’t make every moment of every day a constant negative. These kids are afraid they are going to fail in life. They aren’t, but they think they are because they don’t understand themselves. If you have a new adolescent who is driving you crazy, then you need to spend some individual time with them. If you have smaller kids, you will have to find some time each week to just be alone with the 12-14 year old. They need individual time with you. Playing a game or doing something where you pay attention to them for 30 minutes a night will drastically help them calm down.
You can’t treat them like a 4 year old anymore, even when they act like one. You must discipline them. But you have to understand that a lot of what they are doing, they don’t mean to do it in the wrong way. They are just making a lot of mistakes right now. They are just starting out into this new adolescent phase. Help them. Teach them. You can ground them, remove privileges etc… The whippings should start to go away during this age. However, if they are just asking for a whipping, never disappoint them. But removing cell phones, grounded away from friends, can be much more effective at this age. It is always good to share things about yourself at this age. Let them know they are not weird. At night when you go into their bedside, this becomes a great time to talk to them. You might say something like, “ You know when I was your age, I felt this way…” Or ”One time when I was in middle school my friend hurt me and this is what I did…” You don’t always have to tell them what they should do, but rather tell them what worked for you. They won’t let you know, but they are listening and learning. Give very clear expectations for them. Don’t assume they know something is right or wrong. You have to be a surrogate brain for them. They don’t think rationally or clearly with all those hormones right now. Set down guidelines for friends, face book talk, music etc… They don’t like who they are right now, or who they are becoming. This is a great time to teach them that God loves them no matter what. Getting this teen to understand the love of Christ might help them avoid some of the deeper pitfalls that wait ahead. God bless you.