Family Ark Ministries

In Part One we learned that women should work on stopping the marital drainers of nagging and controlling their husbands.  In Part Two we learned that men should work on stopping the marital drainers of flashing anger and pride towards their wives.  Both husband and wife should work on improving their shortcomings.  Everyone of us can work on being more Christ-like.  Especially in response to our life mates.

For the marriage to really take off and flourish however, it is important for all married people to understand that there is no side we should take.  I set this series up based upon what I hear at marriage retreats.  When I go over the foundational role and responses of husbands and wives found in Ephesians 5:21-33, both sexes say, “well whose side are you on?”  The men, many times, just want me to address what the women need to do. And the women, many times, just want me to address what the men need to do.  The problem is selfishness.

Selfishness is the cause of 100% of all divorces.  There are no sides in marriage.  The two of you need to die to yourself and become one. If you are one, then there are no sides, there is but a whole.  I guess if I am going to be on anyone’s side it would be God’s side.  God has clearly stated what his thoughts and plans and commands are in marriage.  He gives a very detailed plan for man and woman in Ephesians 5.  The problem is not the institution of marriage.  It is just as good as the day God gave it to us in His Holy Word.  The problem is the people in the marriage.  Marriage is not a give and take relationship.  That makes it almost an animal-like relationship.  The spouses talk like: “ I will give this to you, but I expect this in return. If you don’t give me what I want, when I need it, then I will just leave you and find someone new.”  If you are on your 2nd marriage or beyond, I don’t want to focus on the past. I am just saying that we need to make this marriage focus on Christ, and not each other.  It doesn’t matter what happened in the past marriage, it matters that I make this marriage all that it was designed to be by God.  This article is not to decide who hurt who in the last marriage.  It is designed to have you get this marriage under Biblical authority and to make it last a lifetime for God’s glory.

All marriages can last if we work at it.  All marriages have problems.  But if BOTH husband and wife are willing to let God do whatever it takes to reconcile the relationship, God can do it.  Nothing is impossible with God. Luke 1:37.  Our marital fights and arguments are because we are selfish. James 4:1-3.  Here is the good news.

God is on your side.  If sides are to be had, aren’t you glad that God is on your side.  Satan is on the other side.  Satan wants every married couple to get divorced, or to be miserable together.  God’s heart is for you two to have a wonderful marriage. It won’t be perfect, but it can be good.  Marriage was God’s idea.  He will give you all the grace you need to get through it. He will give you strength, courage, wisdom, energy, love, patience etc…  What ever you need, God will pour it out on you.  Just seek.  Just ask. But then really believe He shall bring it to pass.  Maybe you two are trying too hard on your own to make your marriage work. God said in Psalm 37:5 to commit your ways to him, trust him and it will be “HE” who brings it to pass.  It won’t be you. It will be him.  And God can do it.  The world may tell you that it is hopeless.  Some days the devil may throw a bunch of junk into the pathway of marital bliss so you will stumble.  But never forget that God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and all the angels in heaven are cheering your marriage on.

Romans 8:31 If God be for us, who can be against us. II Cor. 10:4 Our weapons of warfare are mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds.  Romans 8:37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.  Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Memorize scripture to get you through the rough spots.  Stop fighting each other, and stand united and fight the one who is coming against you.  Some times you may forget that it is Satan who is prowling around in your house seeking whom he may destroy.

I John 4:4 Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world. No matter what Satan can throw at your marriage to destroy it, God can throw more at you to save it.  Seek Him. He wants you to have a good marriage.  He can whip Satan right out of your life if you ask Him to do it.  James 4:10 states “ Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord, and He shall lift you up.”  Both of you humble yourself and never stop working on doing better in how you treat each other.  God will lift you up.  Scripture does not say He will think about it. It states that God SHALL lift you up.  Never, never, never give up.  Whose on your side in marriage?  God is.

In part one we discussed how wives should avoid nagging and controlling tactics on their husbands.  Now, I will address the issues from the woman’s side.  What do men need to work on.  I will remind you that these articles are written for the general population. They may not apply to you and your particular marriage at all. But please remain humble enough to allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you if there is any truth to be found in your personal life in this area.  If you never struggle with any of this, then you need to look around and help minister to other men.  Maybe you should start a men’s group at church because there is an abundance of men who do struggle with these issues.  Our goal is to improve our marriages.  Our goal is by having better marriages, we can give God more glory.  He designed marriage, and we need to be the kind of man that lives in such a way as to give God glory from the way we treat our wives.

The two big areas that most men need to work on is pride and anger.  And they go together.  Men with a great deal of pride, have a great deal of anger.

1)  Anger.  Anger is a secondary response to some other emotion.  If you want to deal with your anger, then you have to see what is driving it. Is it frustration?  Is it fear of failure?  Is it fear of rejection?  Is it fear of not being the dominant one in your relationship?  Are you too stressed out?  You have to step back and identify what are the triggers for your anger. What sets you off?  Often times you get so angry at your wife, when she is just a convenient target.  The real root source of the anger is something else. Find what that is so you can deal with it.  Fear drives most anger.  It doesn’t mean you are afraid of something. It means like fear of failure, rejection or not being seen as masculine.

Communication is the key to dealing with your anger.  You two have to sit down, and you have to actually be strong enough to tell her what the problem is that you have with her.  Then, you have to both make adjustments.  You must communicate in prayer to ask God to help you.  Ask God to deliver you from exploding anger or anger that you hold inside that becomes wrath.  Work out solutions that work for both of you.  It is called negotiating with your mate.

Learn to pick a weird number and count backwards from there for 30 seconds. Pick 1,624,501. Now start counting backwards.  You will have to stop and think about it.  This is good. It takes the edge off your anger.  Take time outs.  When you start feeling it rise up in you, ask your wife for a time out.  Go outside and walk.  Even at work, if you can walk down the hallway or some place, it will relieve enough tension to not explode.  Tell her honestly, you need some space.  Then, pray and go dig in the yard, hammer some wood etc.   Don’t be destructive however.  Just get the “arrugghh” out of you.  Then, come back and talk about it.

2) Pride.  Pride is what causes our sin.  Pride is our flesh.  I am not talking about being proud of some accomplishment.  You can be proud of your kids. You can be proud of  running 2 miles, getting a job completed and it looks good, etc… Pride is sinful when we think too much that our life is about us.  We get easily frustrated when others infringe upon my time, my money, my plans, or my life.  The more “me” is in there, the more pride we have.  Marriage is about “we” and not “me”.  You don’t make independent decisions any more. You include your life mate.  She is your equal.  You are to be the head of the home.   That may be part of your anger and frustration. You have allowed your wife to be the head of the home. God wants you to be the head. But you are to be a servant leader.  You are not to be a ruthless dictator. Head of the home does not mean you make all the decisions, and if she doesn’t like it – tuff.  You seek everyone’s input so that you can make the  best decision.  Christ served and died for His bride.  Husbands according to Ephesians 5:25 are to do the same thing.

You might live by I Peter 3:7.  Let all of your actions give honor to the wife.  How do I know what is honoring?  You get your knowledge according to scripture. Scripture tells you how to treat others.  You can be in this same passage of scripture and verses 8-16 gives good advice on how to treat your spouse.  If you keep sucking the life right out of marriage with your pride and anger, then you are not honoring her, and verse 7 says your prayers will be cut off.  The worst place for a Christian man is to have his prayers cut off from heaven.  You can control your anger.  All things are possible with God.  You can get rid of your pride and not be so easy to fly off the handle at her if you will work on your own self-esteem.  Know true manhood as defined by the Bible, and not by American society. Manhood is not a competition. It is an acceptance of a responsibility by God. A man shows how much he thinks of himself deep down, by how he treats his wife.  She reflects his inner being.

Part One in this series on the marriage is actually for women to read. It is from the male perspective.  Keep it in mind that this article is written for the masses, and speaks in generalizations. It may not be true for you and your marriage.  But allow the Holy Spirit to lead you into truth and understanding.  For if it be found that there is even a hint of truth in this article about you and your personality, then you must wear that shoe.  If it is absolutely not true about you; then don’t get smug.  Get humble, and help other women around you.  There are so many hurting marriages.  We Christians need to all minister to one another and bear one another’s burdens.

Finally, don’t ask your husband if this is true about you.  Guys don’t answer those kind of questions.  They don’t want to get into trouble.  He may even refrain from being totally honest with you. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, or get you mad at him.  So, read it and pray and identify any areas you may need to work on.  The purpose of this article is to not make you feel bad, but to open your heart and mind on ways to improve your marriage. That is the goal.  A better marriage.  One that pleases God and gives honor to His plan for man and woman in the holy state of matrimony.

There are two chief areas that most women struggle with and should avoid.  These are nagging and controlling.  They can be relationship killers.  They must be avoided.

1)  Nagging.  I already hear the deafening roar of women across the land.  “ I wouldn’t have to nag if he would just listen”.  I’ll work on him in another article.  Please stop being so quick to blame others for areas in your life where you could improve with God’s help.  You may not even be aware that you are nagging.  You think you are just being helpful.  You see an obvious problem, and it is so easy to correct.  Or you have a need, and all he needs to do is help you.  The problem is how you present it to him.  Read Proverbs 21:9,19.  Proverbs 19:13.

Which came first the chicken or the egg?  Which came first?  The fact that he won’t listen to you, so you must nag to be heard; or the fact that he has learned to tune you out and not listen because you nag so much?  It doesn’t matter.  What matters is that your marriage has a communication breakdown.  That is what you must focus on.  Nagging doesn’t work. God made us men.  He knows how we operate.  This is why the Bible tells women to not nag.  When you nag, you are going to drive him further away.  He will get very frustrated with this.  He doesn’t really want to hurt you, so he ignores you for protection and self-preservation.  The more you nag, the more you drive your husband away from you.  I Peter 3 tells you to win him over “without a word” but instead with a gentle spirit.

Find different means of communicating besides the constant verbal reminders.  Never remind him of what he needs to do in front of others. This is embarrassing to a man, and he resents you for bringing up things like this in front of others, even family members.  Don’t use words that make him feel inadequate or falling short in some category.  You are attacking his ego now.  Don’t emasculate your husband. If you go on and on and on about something; like Sampson, he may finally cave in after his spirit is vexed; but he resents you for it and you have cut away at his masculinity.  Again, it doesn’t matter if you think you have done this or not, what matters is how he perceives it.  He will perceive that he has caved in under constant pressure from you, and some of his identity as a man has been clipped.

Leave helpful  reminders.  Set clear expectations and boundaries.  Establish better communication skills between you two.  Let him know how you really feel, and how you really need something done.  Then, drop it.  Give him space to do it in. If he continues to ignore what has been requested within a reasonable time frame, then there may be deeper marital problems than nagging and poor communication.  You may need to seek outside biblical counseling.

2)  Controlling.  You just want your family/marriage to be good.  It is obvious to you what needs to be done, and you are going to insist that it be done your way.  This is a disaster in a marriage.  I am not saying that it isn’t just as wrong for men to be controlling, but generally speaking, more women have problems with this than men. You cannot control other people. The quicker you learn this, the happier you will be.  You can control your response to others.  You can role-model the behavior you would like to see.  You can communicate needs and desires.  But the more you pull on a chain around a man’s neck, the harder he is going to dig in and jerk the other way.  You can’t control men. You can’t nag them into deeper spirituality.  You can’t control them to be the head of the home.  Pray and let God change him. It is your job to love your husband. It is God’s job to change him.