Family Ark Ministries

with Dr. Travis Plumlee

Monthly Article

 WHY WON’T THEY CHANGE

Have you ever been in a relationship that the other person needed so badly to change their ways?  And you took it upon yourself to try and bring this change about. And you worked, and you talked, and you manipulated, and tried to control the situation.  But to no avail. You may have even said, “It is like beating my head against a wall.”  You are correct.  And all that you are going to get by beating your head against a wall is a severe headache.  Keep doing it, and eventually you will even pass out from too much head banging. Why don’t you just stop trying to get this person to change?

I can’t stop.  I care about them too much.  Well, you can stop it. And if you will learn right now that no one can control anyone else, you will be a lot happier in life. Let me say this point again.  You will be a lot happier in life when you realize you can’t control anyone else in your life. You can only control your response to them.  You can get on with your own life.  You can live the life God has given to you for His glory, and stop trying to control someone else’s life. I know. It is so frustrating.  It can be so hurtful.  It can make you angry.  It can make you cry. It can depress you and make you want to give up.  People can experience so many varied responses to trying to get someone to change.  Why can’t they see what they are doing?  Why do they keep doing this?  They are hurting themselves!  Don’t they realize?

Some people don’t have a clue about the wrong way they are treating others. Satan has blinded them to the truth. They have a veil over their eyes.  They can’t see the right way to behave even if you tell them in clear and precise terms.  You may even use scripture.  But if they don’t want to change, that scripture is falling on the hard ground of a hard heart.  Other people know that they are doing wrong.  And they simply don’t care. Rather than giving you clinical terms, I will just tell you simply: They are messed up.  And this may shock you.  But they really don’t care to change, and they don’t care how it is affecting you either. 

Your problem is you are looking at this relationship from a Christian or biblical perspective.  They aren’t.  If they use scripture, they just take it out of context so that they can justify their continued behavior.  See, you think they have a rational and reasonable mindset. They don’t.  It doesn’t matter how they got this way.  Could be dysfunctional behavior learned, so that they could cope with life. It could be addictions. It could be poor mental health.  It doesn’t matter.  They won’t change until they are ready to change.

So, what can you do?  The best way to influence (not control) others is to role model the behavior that you want them to copy.  This is Matthew 5:16.  Let your light shine before them.  Some of you may say, but I tried that. Well, then realize again that they may never copy the desired behavior, and you have to let go of that.  They can choose to change by seeing your good example. But even seeing it right before their eyes every day does not insure they will change. I Peter 3:1 tells wives to win their husband over by how they live their daily walk before him.  He may change, but he still may not. 

Pray for them. Ask God to change them. If God changed the heart of Pharaoh to let the slaves go; I think he has the ability to change this person also.  God can do anything. Luke 1:37 Your problem is that you are not God.

If the person is hurting you; set boundaries.  Stop letting people run over you.  Be civil. Be nice.  Treat others like you would like to be treated. Luke 6:31.  But a person will only change when they want to.  The more you nag them about changing a behavior, the more they will dig their heels in with resistance. 

Be wary. People can fake a change.  Some people are manipulators. Surprised! They will change for a little while in front of you just to get you to shut up and appease you.  But they will eventually return to their old ways. The only lasting change has to come from God. People do not have the ability within themselves to invoke lasting behavioral or personality changes.  We don’t have that capability. Only God does. 

So, let’s review. The person has to WANT to change. That is the first step.  Only God can change someone. You cannot change them or control them.  The more you do, the more they resist.  You CAN control how you respond to them. If you have someone who continually responds ugly to you; then you have total control over how you respond to them.  You don’t have to explode. You don’t have to feel guilty.  That is your choice. You do have control over you, and your emotions and your responses.  Please let go and give these people to God.  I will be happier if I release them to God, and ask Him to change them.  I cannot control one single other person in my life. Just me. And give control of your life over to Jesus Christ!   

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From Dr. Plumlee

Mountain View Haven counseling center needs your help!

Mountain View Haven is a blblical counseling retreat center for individuals and small groups run by Dr. Travis Plumlee in the Ozark Mountains. This ministry will offer biblically directed counseling for any problem people may face. In addition to counseling, Dr. Plumlee will offer conferences in a smaller more intimate setting for youth groups, marriage retreats, church retreats, men's or women's conferences etc...]

Dr.Plumlee receives calls daily from all types of people needing help. He also gets calls from missionaries, pastors and their families. Now, with your support, people will have a safe place to go, surrounded by a tranquil restorative environment. This will only enhance the sound biblical counseling they will receive. Even if no one you know personally ever uses this program, you should know that your support will help thousands of others who are in need of knowing that there is hope, help and healing through Jesus Christ and the Word of God.

Please help bring this vision into a reality. We need you to make a provision for the vision. Donate to Mountain View Haven. Your donations are tax deductible. Please note on your check that the funds are specifically for Mountain View Haven. Dr. Plumlee still intends to do his ministry across the country. However, in time, he hopes to move many of his conferences and new counseling ministry to Mountain View. This vision cannot occur without God's people giving because the total funding of this program will be from love offerings from churches, families or individuals.

Send your donations to:

Mountain View Haven

P O Box 163

Mountain View, AR 72560